Ahlul Bayt (AS) International News Agency - ABNA: Speaking between a man and a woman who are not mahram (unrelated and permissible to marry) is not forbidden if it is not done with the intent of seeking pleasure or lust. However, relationships between boys and girls who are not mahram, where looking or speaking is done with the intent of seeking pleasure, are not permissible. Likewise, it is forbidden for them to linger or be alone together in a place where people do not normally come and go, even if it is not accompanied by lustful looking or pleasurable conversation.
The reality is that the sexual instinct is one of the most powerful instincts within a human being, shaping many of a person's behaviors and manifesting itself in various ways. Islam, being a comprehensive school of thought that wants Muslim men and women, on one hand, to possess tranquil souls, healthy nerves, and pure eyes and ears so that they may conquer the lofty human peaks and salvation, and on the other hand, to also fulfill their instinctual and innate needs, has established laws and rulings with special sensitivity, yet realistically and by considering nature, inner desires, and carnal wants, in order to preserve and protect the individual and society on the path of moderation and balance. Among these rulings is the manner of interacting with the opposite sex. All of this is because Islam was sent by God to guide humanity, He who is the Creator of human nature and instinct with all the optimal potentials stored within man.
Therefore, any factor that provokes lustful motives in society and harms spiritual and psychological tranquility as well as public chastity is not approved by Islam. Islam wants all forms of sexual pleasure to take place within the environment of the family, thereby maintaining spiritual and psychological peace and emotional bonds, and by not projecting it into the public sphere, it prevents harm to the family structure and society.
Due to the intense sexual drive, sometimes, without intending to, a boy and a girl (especially girls) find themselves in a situation where they even lose their willpower and can no longer refrain from sexual contact. Unconsciously and unintentionally, they gradually find themselves in a point of no return, and by the time they realize it, it is too late. That is, once circumstances align, preventing it becomes extremely difficult, especially when the boys are deceitful and, unfortunately, professional tricksters in misleading young girls in such matters. So why should this process not be stopped at its source?
For this very reason, in Islam, even the seclusion of a man and a woman (boy and girl) who are not mahram in a place where there is no public traffic is forbidden and considered a sin.
Do not all sexual relationships between girls and boys begin with seemingly simple and friendly interactions? Sometimes, unfortunately, they do not even end in sexual relations but become a cause for many social and psychological disorders. The best evidence for this claim is examining the existing realities in society. Where do divorces, sexual corruption, addiction, and depressions begin? Many of them start with a simple glance or a minor verbal exchange with someone of the opposite sex, gradually leading to affection, love, and preoccupation of the mind, and finally to secret meetings and arrangements.
But the issue is that since young people and adolescents, especially young girls, have not yet reached an age where they have experienced the consequences of certain actions, they only see the appealing beginning of such relationships and agree to befriend unrelated boys, thus falling into a trap from which escape is very difficult. Because their first problem becomes the preoccupation of their thoughts and minds, and gradually falling behind in their studies.
The next problem, for those with religious families, is marriage. Even if they want to marry the same boy they met on the street, there is no guarantee that the boy does not have several other girlfriends, that he will not leave this girl and not join them, and thus not cause many girls to suffer the anguish of separation, depression, and family turmoil. Even in universities or work environments, improper interaction with unrelated persons often leads to trouble, because it frequently creates loves in the hearts of young girls and boys that, for various reasons, will never lead to union, leaving a lasting wound on the hearts of both parties and tormenting their minds.
None of the issues listed are mere stories; rather, they are realities that are very prevalent in society, and we only become acquainted with some aspects of them. Many of those entangled in these problems do not disclose their troubles to others due to modesty and shame. If they did, it would serve as a good lesson for others, especially young people and adolescents.
When these problems are traced back to their roots, most of them begin with glances, short remarks, and flirtatious gestures that some believe should not be taken seriously. But what can be done? These very small matters, if neglected and allowed to continue, end up causing enormous problems.
In our view of life, we must consider the ultimate consequences of actions and learn lessons from the lives of others, reaching the conclusion that: short-lived pleasures often bring about long-lasting sufferings.
Boys and girls who establish a friendly relationship with a person of the opposite sex through illegitimate means suffer harm in various ways. Although the harms affect both the girl and the boy, their scope and intensity are greater for the girl. The harms include:
1. Psychological Harm: A girl who becomes attached to a boy and puts herself at his disposal, after his betrayal and abandonment, experiences severe disappointment and sometimes progresses to the brink of depression and severe psychological illnesses.
2. Social Harms: A girl who has a relationship with a boy in a small town loses her social standing and dignity and is humiliated. Even if she marries, she cannot have a balanced life because she is blamed by her husband and his family, and they constantly remind her of her previous relationships as a reproach. This phenomenon can threaten the institution of the family in society and increase the rate of divorce.
3. Educational Harm: A girl who is known as someone who has had relationships with several boys loses her standing as a suitable person for upbringing in the minds of her parents, teachers, and even her friends. Such a girl remains deprived of the path of education and moral training. Her father and mother consider her a disgrace to the family and prefer to keep her confined at home.
4. Spiritual Harm: A girl who has an illegitimate relationship with a boy becomes distant from God through sin and disobedience and falls morally. She no longer finds pleasure in her worship, and the feeling of guilt and inner reproach torments her soul, unless she repents and adopts a pure path.
Now let us address some of the consequences of free relationships in Western countries, where we might think these problems are resolved for them or that they are not sensitive about this issue. Although the problems there are immense due to excessive free relationships, unfortunately, our society also faces many of these problems to a greater or lesser extent.
Psychoanalytic theories, including Horney's theory, emphasize this fact: In societies where sexual relations are free, many psychological needs take the form of sexual inclinations and manifest as sexual thirst. (1)
The American publication 'Reader's Digest' writes about premarital relationships between girls and boys: Every year, 350,000 American teenage girls between the ages of 15 and 19 (high school period) become pregnant due to illicit relationships and give birth to their illegitimate children... These girls turn to these illegal relationships with dreams such as marrying their boyfriends, completing their education, starting an ideal life, and obtaining a suitable job. But very soon, the mirage-like veils of these illusions are lifted, and the reality of life shows its face. Unfortunately, this awakening comes precisely when the teenage girls no longer have any chance of enjoying a healthy and ideal life.
This publication, continuing its analysis, attributes the cause of sexual abnormalities to free relationships between girls and boys in schools. In an interview with some girls, quoting one of them, it writes: 'I wish time could go back! I wish I had a place as a member of the family among my parents. I wish when the grounds for an illicit relationship were provided for me, I had given some thought to my future life and not reached this dead end.'
Below we point out some of the effects that have resulted from free relationships between girls and boys in Western societies:
1. Increase in Illicit Sexual Relations: Research shows that the rate of illicit sexual relations resulting from free relationships between girls and boys is increasing in America and throughout Europe, to the extent that in 1993 in America, 50% of relationships between girls and boys turned into sexual relations.
2. Unwanted Pregnancies: Illicit sexual intercourse and the increase in informal and early pregnancies are among the other ominous effects of free relationships between girls and boys. Andrée Michel writes in this regard: More than forty percent of American women who marry before the age of twenty are pregnant before marriage due to free relationships between boys and girls. In Norway, 90% of girls who marry under the age of eighteen are pregnant, and the same is true in Sweden and Germany.
3. Uncontrollable Increase in Abortion Rates: In proportion to the increasing rate of unwanted pregnancies, the abortion rate in Western countries where boys and girls have free relationships before marriage is on the rise. Out of one million women and teenage girls who become unintentionally pregnant each year in America, 53% abort their children. This is while due to certain restrictions imposed by some states on abortion, most abortions are not reported. According to an American doctor who worked in one of the country's maternity hospitals and wrote an article about the problems of his workplace, approximately 47% of the births under his care were illegitimate. According to his claim, most of these births were related to women under twenty years of age resulting from free relationships between girls and boys.
4. Increase in Single-Parent Families: The increase in informal unions leads to a decrease in the marriage rate, one consequence of which is the increase in the number of single-parent families; that is, families where children are condemned to live with only one parent. Andrée Michel says: 'In more than 90% of cases, illegitimate children live with their mothers. Such mothers, who are almost ostracized by society, especially by their own parents and acquaintances, face severe economic difficulties, poverty, and misery.' The 'Reader's Digest' newspaper, while presenting a report on the dire economic situation of such families, wrote the following report: 'The mother of this child—who constantly laments the absence of the father—is forced to work two full shifts to provide for her own and her children's material needs, as a result of which her child spends less time with her compared to other mothers. This illegitimate child is, in fact, deprived of both the blessing of a father and the blessing of a mother. This teenage mother says with regret and sorrow: "With this illegitimate pregnancy, I have deprived my daughter of a father for her entire life, and I must console this child's immense sorrow."'
5. Prostitution: The ominous phenomenon of prostitution, especially among young girls who have unintentionally borne an illegitimate child, is prevalent in Western societies, because unwanted children take away employment and educational opportunities from their mothers, forcing them to turn to any kind of work to cover living expenses and escape poverty.
6. Spread of Sexually Transmitted Diseases: Free relationships between girls and boys, as a result of free sexual relations, serve as a launching pad for prostitution and an increase in infectious and sexually transmitted diseases. In this regard, it is enough to know that every 13 seconds, one person in America is infected with the deadly HIV virus. The victims of this virus, who are mainly infected through sexual promiscuity, die from this infectious disease.
What has been mentioned points to some of the consequences of free premarital relationships between girls and boys. Other complications such as insanity, psychological complexes, increased crime, and murder are other results of such relationships.
Thus, it has become clear why Islam has forbidden and prohibited free relationships between girls and boys, as well as lustful looks and conversations between them, which become the source for subsequent relationships.
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